Again, a delay in posting. Again, I'm really struggling with focus. Although it seems like an innocent enough thing to be distracted by, it's really difficult to stop staring at Codie for a full hour and focus on anything else.
So this morning I cheated. The first 15 minutes I stared at Codie to my heart's content, and just thanked God for every little detail. The way He designed my body to ready itself for childbirth, and the way He's provided Codie nutrition and further developed her immune system via breastmilk. The way our noses are placed above our mouths so that we can smell food before consuming - a way to defend ourselves against poisonous produce or food gone bad. The way that these noses protrude from our faces so that, as infants, we don't suffocate when pressed against our mothers' skin to eat. The way newborn vision is so limited, so that while nursing all they can see is mom's face. The way our torsos are arranged, so that we can cradle baby while nursing. The way babies weigh so little, so that even a postpartum mother still in recovery can lift the infant. The way the babies grow so gradually, so that mom can grow her strength at a matching rate so that baby doesn't become too heavy to be held until it is walking age. He's much smarter than me.
After my morning nursing love-fest, God spoke to me via breastpump (TMI?). Zach claims I'm hearing things, but my sister backs me up - the motor in my breastpump speaks. It repeats "let it go" as it performs its suction cycle (creepy, right? Also very appropriate). As a result of my two-week hiatus from prayer, I've become more and more bitter toward people around me lately. I was praying from my hardened heart this morning and just heard (through the Medela motor, of course) "let it go" repeatedly. What a relief it is to sit still for ten minutes, listen to God's reminder to "let it go" and just release the hate.
Couple of tidbits from the past few days: (heard on radio) God does what is good for you, not what is good to you. It is dangerous to pray for your wants (or what you may perceive as needs) and expect fulfillment of these.
It is okay to be in perseverence mode. It is okay to struggle to bring yourself to prayer, and to struggle to stay in prayer. The important part is simply getting there- continuing to strive for glory to God. I'm in perseverence mode, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's something to be proud of. The temptation to slack is here, and I'm making efforts to work through it. God is not ashamed of that.