July 13, 2010

Guess who's back... Back again...

Alright, here's the thing - I'm burned out on formalities. I've been way too concerned with the formal text of these blogs, and way too concerned with having a new and relevant topic on a daily basis. This is not how God operates. I don't have a coin-operated God. He does not dispense wisdom on demand when I put a quarter in. He dispenses wisdom when my life experience brings me to my knees in the realization that I have no idea what I'm doing- that this world is not designed for me to sustain without Him.

That being said, how in the world can I command a daily revelation from the Lord? The pressure of forcing myself into "growth" every day, just for the sake of a blog, does nothing to glorify Him. The pressure of filling an hour of focused, moving prayer while not allowing the kids to kill themselves or each other does nothing to glorify God. Rather, in my personal life, it's disrespectful to Him. The Lord has put under my responsibility four children that deserve to see Him operating in love - not to be pacified and distracted by TV for an hour so I can have alone time. His will for me as a caretaker and mother simply does not coincide with my former will for me as an all-star contributor to the DNI team.

The point is, I am shedding structured expectations of my walk with my Father. We may spend 5 hours together some days, we may spend 5 minutes together others. Who can put a standard of time over the Creator of time? I may advance leaps and bounds with God some days (today), some days we may be lucky to tread water (the last month). Who can measure whether God is at work?

I'm so tired of attempting to live up to these self-imposed expectations of what God needs to be doing for me. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure when I haven't pushed Him enough. I'm so tired of forcing my life with Him, instead of just living it.

I have no idea when I'll update next. But I can guarantee that when I do, it'll finally be God speaking instead of me.

July 1, 2010

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah

July 1, 2010

Things aren't going so hot. Dropped my DNI times and let go of the sense of responsibility I had for the blog. Given the ages of the kids I am caring for right now, I literally do not have sixty consecutive minutes in the day to concentrate on anything. Sixty consecutive seconds to use the restroom can be a stretch (literally- Carson gave Codie 30 doses of Mylicon Monday while I was in the bathroom). Our computer is in our basement, and it's not babyproof enough to have the kids down here. I can't leave them unsupervised for any amount of time, so I'm lucky if I get online once a week to balance the checkbook. Daily blogging, following an hour of focused prayer, is simply not a possibility at this stage of life. Returning to school seemed like a good idea to keep me occupied & challenged, as being a housewife can get pretty mundane. Instead, it's trumped everything. I care about God, Zach and my family far more than I care about education. And yet, those are the departments I'm sacrificing for education. Pray for me? I'm not so good at this time management thing.